Anonymous asked: Do you ever want to be the prince instead of the pauper?
Absolutely NOT. Princes may have nice stockings, ponies, and pretty ladies, but Paupers have strength, non-incestuous breeding, and tough broads. Plus, everybody loves the underdog. The Royal Wedding may have gotten a lot of press, but not nearly as much love and attention as that one homeless guy with the made-for-radio voice (#NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement). Paup on!
Anonymous asked: Paupers,
I am pauperly like you, but my best friend is not. He always wants to do things that are outside my price range. While he offers to pay, I tire of that. I am happy living the pauperly life, but he is not. Advice please.
Is it too harsh to advise you to drop it like it’s hot?
Probably, so I advise that you ask him to sponsor you. If he wants to go to high tea or encase his body in gold or whatever those people do, join him! As long as he is willing to foot the bill. Mooching is an excellent tool that ever pauper should have in his skill set. He will respond either by paying for you or by conceding to your pauperly life and enjoying a nice day of dumpster diving. Win-Win! Paup on!
Need to pack up some of that rice and water to take to work or school (you certainly will not be buying lunch)? Don’t buy outrageously overpriced plastic containers, or cheap ones that will no doubt crack after a couple uses. Many of the foods you already buy come in free food storage containers. From experience I can tell you most are dishwasher safe and some are microwave safe. Finding a matching lid can be an interesting challenge, but it is easy to accumulate a wide variety of sizes. So think twice before you toss that butter container.
Anonymous asked: So I heard from a friend that you guys are really good with stretching out the dollar. I have one dollar. I'm running out of food and all that, but ultimately I'm not too worried there. The real issue is I need to keep my beard looking good. As expert paupers, can you offer any advice on how to maintain my beautiful lustrous sheen and coarse manliness (yet delicate softness of a babies bottom) without having to resort to expensive beard product, accessories, and assortments? Thank you.
I am so glad that you have your priorities in order. A well-kempt (or artfully unkempt) beard is of the utmost importance. My suggestion is to hire an intern. Interns are a wonderful invention. They work eagerly for no money and are just thrilled at the opportunity to put “Experience in Beard Upkeep” on their resume. Your intern will comb your beard with his fingers every hour for 10 minutes, followed by a deep beard-tissue massage. If you are going out for a night on the town and want to get a little spruced up, ask your intern to weave feathers into your chin-locks. You get a beautiful beard, your intern gets the experience of a lifetime. Keep on Pauping On.
Anonymous asked: I have found that I am spending too much money on Boba. An unnecessary vice I know, but I cannot resist. Advice from the Paupers, please!
I feel you my fellow Pauper. I have two suggestions. First, check out our tip on Buy One Get One Free and take advantage of your friends as often as possible. Second, I suggest that you skip on the milk tea and only buy the tapioca pearls (only 50 cents!). Then, to make your purchase last, eat a single pearl a day, savoring every last drop of sweet gummy goodness. By the time you are done with your first cup you will probably have scrounged up enough pennies from the street to buy a second! Paup On!
It is a known fact that coupons are a pauper’s best friend and the only thing better than a coupon is a human best friend to hook you up. Chipotle just ended their promotion but there is a lesson to be learned from BOGO: No reasonable person could ever finish two Chipotle burritos just as no reasonable person could ever pass up a deal like this. As a pauper, you must abandon your sense of shame and etiquette and hop on board the deal train. They buy one, you get one free. You may lose a few points in your friends’ eyes but a pauper’s gotta do what a pauper’s gotta do. Plus, the foil on the burritos can be saved to make a mini skirt for a night out on the town.
Anonymous asked: The article on rice and water made me so envious of you lucky paupers, but as a hobo I simply can't afford rice and it doesn't rain enough to count on water. Do you have any tips for living the homeless life?
If you happen to live near a popular wedding destination, I suggest collecting the rice that is scattered for the bride and groom. Of course it will not be cooked but luckily there is a variation on Rice and Water called Uncooked Rice Crunch. No local weddings? Experiment with some new recipes. Perhaps Grass and Soil or Litter and the Dregs at the Bottom of Soda Bottles? As always, Paup On!
Anonymous asked: If the pauperly habits I learned as a college student extend into adulthood, what do I do?
Keep it going!!! The sad truth is that many Paupers grow out of these great habits once they have an income and children and some bizarre need to appear clean and well-fed. But we here at PIYP applaud your bravery and perseverance. Paup On!